The Aspy Journals

Today mum went out with dad, to a pub.

Today Fran came home injured two grazed knees, scratches and bruises, a sore/swollen chin and grip marks all over her arms because of Mathew.


Mum called and (on speaker) starts screaming at us both saying it's Fran's fault for dressing like she does, and dating other boys, and 'leading him on' etc Fran's obviously upset, so I said what's on my mind, told mum it was her fault for giving her the impression violent relationships are okay, and she tells me I'm an adult and need to start acting one, she eventually said she 'washes hands of the both of you ungrateful brats' but she's drunk


It IS my mum's fault, for being a doormat, for all she says Fran's an idiot for keeping on taking him back, she does it with dad and I found out why Fran keeps going back to him.... he's threatened to kill himself. His parents are pressuring her to stay with him for this reason that and the fact that she 'loves him' she says she blames mum too, she doesn't understand how she can still love someone who treats her so horribly, because even when he was pinning her to the ground screaming at her... all she wanted was a hug


I went for a walk the other day... I set off with the full intent to drown myself in the Canal
It's all fenched off with meshwire, I coudln't find a way, but had it not been I would've.
My mind felt kind of cloudy... and I felt like nothing else mattered. This isn't going to end until one of us is dead...
I need help. I know I do. And I'm going to try get it. Doctors or something. It probably means going back to the hospital.

I don't want to go to rehab again. I HATED it there, and it put so much strain on the family then. I know it's probably best, but here I can't protect mum from dad, I can't protect Fran from Mathew... not that I'm doing a good job of those anyway but at least here I'm useful. There I'm another drone... I'd just be another worker-drone coz it'd be an adult ward this time and they take away my laptop. Anime/Manga is pretty much my only vice now.

And it's kind of pathetic that's what I'm worried about.

Why are women in my family doormats? They let themselves be abused then allow other people to tell them it's a mutual thing, that they're both to blame... It's a case of WTF
It's their fault they get mentally and verbally abused???
They've been told they're worthless for so long... it's like they believe it... so they share the blame.




Not all men are bastards... I know that. I just wish mum would set a good example for my little sister, she's not been a good example so far.


I know I'm immature. I know in telling mum this I make her cry so maybe I'm as bad as dad and Mathew in that respect. I don't care.

Mathew comes around at all hours waking everyone up and it's okay. So I play my music at full and wake everyone up. Good for me. Everyone seems to love that abusive prat so much.

I won't stand for it. He's horrible.

I said that from the start didn't I? And when he's bad everyone admits I'm right, but when he's good it's all 'we adore Mathew, the whole family does'
I'M PART OF THE FAMILY. -waves arms desperate for attention-*




I mean it. I won't let him in the house. Whatever means I have to use he's not coming in the house. I'll leave. If it's the middle of the day fine, but if it's the middle of the night they'll have to choose.



IT'S ME OR HIM
And my mindgames are far worse.

*They don't pay attention to me anymore... tonight my mum didn't even say hello when she got in from her night out with him. I've become a regular fixture... that girl who sits in the corner on the computer. They've grown bored of me. I had to blast my music out at 2am to even be acknowledged... and even then it was only to be yelled at. To be told I'm stupid, that I'm a failure and am going nowwhere in my life.**
They worship Mathew, Frankee's saviour, because he set her straight and put her on the right tracks... yeah coz she's fucking scared of him.

**I gave up on life a long time ago. About the time they stuck me in rehab... they said I was suicidal... it's not that. I'm not suicidal... I've just lost the will to live: which is something entirely different. There's not much point in it really, is there? I stay alive for the few people who would cry if they lost me.
And sometimes they piss me off so much I wonder why I bother. Dead people are forgotten in a matter of weeks anyway, it seems to me everyone's doing just fine without our Sean.
I'm not going to go throw myself under a bus, but if I fell under one...








maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

And how much of this is in your head?
How much is your imagination going too far?

All I know is not much, but it's enough to know when things get too much I fade. I don't disappear anymore, I kind of stay in the distance. I'm aware and I'm there... I just don't feel. I kind of disconnect now.
People don't disconnect. Computers disconnect.

I'm crying almost constantly.
I'm up until someone wakes up properly: that way the house can't burn down with all of us in it. Someone needs to be on watch.
I have no apparent purpose, so for now I shall grit my teeth, wipe my eyes and guard.

I won't go back there.

RIP Sean Whelan (his name was actually Shaun but he HATED that Rose named him misspelled so told everyone it was Sean, I'll respect his wishes)

My brother is dying.

Probably today. Maybe tomorrow. He'll be gone by Monday.

I didn't want to be given the option. But I was. I was asked if I wanted to go down to the hospital and say goodbye. I wanted to be told to stay away, I wanted to be told to let my dad grieve in peace, to let Sean slip away quietly. But I was asked if I wanted to go say goodbye.
I can't. I can't bring myself to see him like that. Is that selfish of me? I want to keep that memory of my big brother, wearing the pig-tails we gave him, and bullying us for stealing his wheelchair. I want to keep that image of him sleeping on our sofa... not in a hospital bed, full of wires on an intensive care ward. I daren't be there.

I can't bring myself to say goodbye to my own brother, neither can Fran. I feel like I'm abandonning him. That's not how it is.

I can't face Zoe, knowing she's in the final-year stages too. How am I supposed to?


Jack Johnson: IfI Could
A brand new baby was born yesterday,
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said, your tears are like mine
I heard some words
from a friend on the phone,
didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
grain of sand
They say that
new life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Another 'blackout' except not. I knew I was fading. The sick feeling that I'm not the one in control anymore, that there's someone else there with me, in my head. I stayed though, barely. I text mum, and got home. Dad says he met me at the top of Servia Hill and walked down with me. I didn't even notice him. I just kept repeating 'I will not fade' until I started to feel like I was fading, then I switched to my address, chanting it repeatedly under my breath.

When I got home I cried, because I felt safe. I have my hat back.
Kathleen.
I think.

Out

Out of the woodwork
Out of the blue
Out of my mind might work
Everything I thought was perfect
Turned to ashes at my touch
Now I need to slowdown
The world’s in such a rush

And out there I can feel
The air is pressing in
And out there I am real
In here I’m simply nothing

Burnt all the woodwork
With a bolt from the blue
Everything I thought was real
Everything I thought I knew
Is inside out and outside in
I’m upside down but I think I’m breathing

And out there I can feel
The air is pressing in
And out there I am real
In here I’m simply nothing

Something borrowed, something blue
Today I wake up as someone new
I’d like to say hello, but I’m not quite sure how to
Standing at the door, green eyes glazed
There’s something out there, I’m amazed
I want to be out there
I want to be out there

Let me out
Out of the blue
Let me out
Away from you
Let me out
It’s all I ask of you.

I haven't written song lyrics in a while, I wrote this in three minutes. It's not my best, but it's honest

You don't want to know
And you don't knoe what you want.

I'm so lost.

I wish I could tell you what happened I really do but I'm as clueless as you. Thank you for all your support and to everyone who talked to the police.

As for the 'suicide note' I don't know they won't let me see it. I don't remember writing it.

These are the facts:
I blacked out left this morning at around 6:45, while it was still dark the shopkeeper saw me leave
I walked to wortley then got a bus home (I have a bus ticket)
I went to the cinema and saw penelope (I have a cinema ticket)
^ I don't remember ANY of that
I regained conciousness at around 5:30ish in the middle of town in the dark, the cold and was then accosted by a drug addict when I tried to get help
I then sat on a metal bench in sub zero weather for over an hour in the hopes of finding a policeman walk past
I then gave up and wandered home on my own in the dark crying.

All the while police helicopters, divers, vans, men, news crews, civilians, and my family were looking for me. Nobody found me.

Some of my stuff is still in evidence bags. They read my diary and poems and songs, and oddly enough I DON'T feel violated. I feel scared... because there's around an 11 hour period that I have NO idea what happened in my life!
Hospital tomorrow.

Ps:VIDEO

Picture

*deep breath* I am going to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY honest right now.

I think I'm going crazy. I've ALWAYS known I was a little weird but now it's starting to scare me. I don't feel like myself at all almost all the time I feel... different. Like a puppet on strings, like someone else is controlling me. I guess thinkling back I've felt that way since I was a preteen. It was when I started getting really bad insomnia. I must've been like 11 or 12. I used to black out and stuff. Only for really short periods of time. I once chipped my tooth at a swimming pool having swum the entire length and not noticed, and once got all the way to school without realising it. But... I must've been conscious, you can't cross roads and stuff while sleepwalking. So who was pulling the strings? I think I know

I said in my last entry that after wandering I felt 'real' because for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt I was 100% truly and completely Kathleen... like my thoughts were my own, because increasingly the thoughts in my head don't feel like mine. When I become panicked for 'no reason' I think there is a reason, just not MY reasons.

I tried to tell my mum.
I tried to tell my therapist.
'I'm just going to disappear' And the response was pretty much the same 'Don't be silly, people don't disappear'. Ella says they said that because they probably thought I meant physically. I'm fairly certain that no matter where Kathleen goes she won't disappear physically, this body is here to stay.
But I don't think there's room in it for two of us.

They say Karma is a bitch....

She's my best friend.

And, those vying for worst pic of the year are: I Know Who Killed Me, Norbit, Bratz, Daddy Day Camp, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.



I shouldn't be smiling so much.








I went wandering. Me who always stays in the house, became panicked. I started stimming and once I'd made up my mind there was no stopping me. I walked. And I walked. And I walked. I ended up 3 miles from home, on a motorway, in the dark and the damp. But it felt quite refreshing. I felt...

Real

Kitten

And what have I achieved in 2007?

Well...
I went to rehab
Tried to kill myself (didn't succeed)
Cut my insanely long hair, to chin length
Escaped the jaws of rehab only to be stuck in therapy sessions
WENT SHOPPING
Shaved my head
Finished mandatory education
Started highschool again voluntarily
Went to my first ever adult party
Became selectively mute

Wow. Move over Britney I had one crazy year.
Here's to 2008. You better not suck!
Kitten

One year
One year since December 30th 2006. It shouldn't haunt me this way, but it does. I saw him briefly today, it made my blood boil and my stomach turn... I'm not sure but I think it's anger. The downside of being autistic is you never know quite how you're feeling, I may be sick. Either way, I only saw him for a second before shutting myself in my room.
This time it's not as a punishment game, I'm not locking myself away because I've been bad. I'm hiding for my own 'peace of mind' as they say. Out of sight out of mind? Not really, my thoughts are twisting around events of last year and I start to shake with them... fear? Yes it's the same kind of feeling I get when I get lost or into crowds except... more extreme. I think that's fear. I know I was scared then, maybe that was the heat of the moment, one brief inch of knowledge.

Did the events of December 30th make me wiser? No... they just heightened my awareness of my own emotional range, not something I want. I can't help but wish... if I'd never gone into hospital last year... would he never have come back? I can't blame myself for his poison in my mother's veins, if I did I'd go insane.

I hate him. I know it's in my head but everytime I hear glass breaking I want to grab Bandit and run, run as fast as my feet can take me. I did that last year... ran away. I only got as far as next door, I remember the rain felt like ice.
Maybe I was finally being punished?

(Ps: I wish my sister would have sex quietly I live in the next damn room)

Dad + booze + christmas = BAD idea. I hate him. SOOOO much.

Party tonight. Booze + boys... specifically there's one I have a crush on. Also bad idea. But I look hot in my outfit so doesn't matter

I am, I feel

Kyle came round, as usual wanting sex. He took me to his house to watch a film, but kept touching/kissing me. I don't like to be touched so I kept trying to watch the film, he got all touchy feely, then I sat on the floor. He thrust his phone under my nose with a message tapped in 'will you give me a blowjob please xxxluv you kyle'
So I just pushed it back at him. Ten minutes later he asks me
'So is that a no then' leading us into 'the talk' again. I'm not going to be used like that! He does this all the time, every couple of months he shows up wanting sex telling me he's changed. I told him what I told him last time, prove it to me, if he wants me he'll stick around and wait. Then his usual excuse comes up, a mysterious trip to the bathroom, that lasts way too long then he comes back with 'I just got a call from my mum I have to go down to the pub'
He doesn't work at the pub. So I ask if I can go too. He says she said no. I call bull.
"If you're gonna call me a liar you can just go home now!"
"It's dark, and slippy!"
"Well I'll walk you then." So we head out in the cold. It's freezing and the ice has barely cleared from this morning when I fell over on my way to school. We've barely walked for three minutes when he says "Look if you're gonna be in a fucking mood you can walk home by yourself." I say nothing, he then crosses the road and disappears.

I'm better than that. I refuse to be used as a toy.

Anyways so yesterday I staged a one woman protest. Remembering I'm mentally 6, would YOU show a 6 year old an EXECUTION film? No. So yeah I went home and caused a LEEEEEETLE bit of chaos. I cried a lot but then calmed down.

I'm coming to terms with who I am. I truly am growing. I got myself back on my feet (with a bit of a push from HanaSpanner =D).

OH AND I'M STARTING MY OWN MANGA. Coz I'm just that cool. Yeah. Bring on the shoujen ai.

Kitten: I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD. Or at least make it prettier colours

So... I shaved my head. Bought two neon wigs. I don't know quite whether I did it to spite the haters or of my own free will. I honestly did hate my own hair. I'm getting a professional wig tomorrow or the day after, honey blonde.

On another note, I may be going to COLLEGE, yeah. Me. The girl who dropped out of high school at 14ish. (Okay I've been scattered since I was 14). It's a college specifically for people with High Functioning Autism. Aspergers. I could be going as soon as the September term, but more likely the christmas term. It's residential though so I have to leave home and go to a city half way across the country. Most teenagers can't wait to get away from home... but I feel safe here. And what if I hate my roommates? But I know this is my only chance to go to college. And let's face it, even if I am a six year old mentally, doesn't mean I can't have wild college nights. It's not fair for me to miss out on sex, booze, and weed. Right? (Well, maybe not booze coz I'm on Prozac hehe)

And some days I lose faith in humanity. Why are some people so low, it's not enough to break someone's spirit, but they have to rub salt into gaping wounds?

This is the real world
Kitten

I HATE THIS

I'm so isolated. I build my own walls up then cry when I have to go outside them. I push everyone away and I feel so lonely. All my friends are in another country and lets face it, they're never coming to see me and I'm never going to see them. Everyone's growing up, moving away going to college etc and I'm STUCK.

I feel so trapped and I'm crying worse than I cried even when I was in rehab. My life is going absolutely NOWHERE. My agoraphobia keeps me in my own backyard and I'll never find freedom there.



AND WHY THE FUCK IS MY HAIR SUCH A MESS! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! Where are my fucking scissors? I mean it the rest is coming off tonight!

Why is everything so messed up? Was I hitler in a previous life or something!?

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL ME YOUR DAUGHTER YOU BASTARD

You ruin my life, you terrorize my family, you got me sent to REHAB you fucking idiot. AND YOU STILL HAVE THE NERVE TO TOUCH ME.

Go to anger management: it doesn't stop you being abusive
Go to alcoholics anonymous: it doesn't stop you being an alcoholic
Touch me: IT STOPS YOU BEING MY DAD

I hate you.
You turned me into this. I feel like a monster because of you. I hurt my friends, I hurt my family. Because of YOU, terrorizing me in my own home.

Send me back to rehab, I'll be dead before I call you my dad again











Dear world: I'm simply not strong enough